I had been so much better and now I feel I have regressed into a depressive state once more.  I haven’t felt well, either.  My stomach has not been feeling well, but I think it’s because I’ve been depressed somewhat.  It’s a good thing I’ve been close to a bathroom all day.  I should be studying right now.  I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything much the last week or so.  I had a test tonight that thankfully I can make up on Wednesday.  I have another test tomorrow and I haven’t prepared for it.  This is something I have a problem with, though.  Whenever I feel hurt, depressed, upset, or sad, I’m absolutely no good as far as working or getting anything productive done.  I had days at work that I couldn’t get any work done because of how I felt emotionally.  Now it’s affecting school. This is really bad timing for me to hit a low depression.

I’ve got family coming in town the end of the month.  I’ve got cleaning and boxes to sort through before then.  I’ve got to get the brakes fixed on the truck this week sometime.  I’ve got bills to pay.  I’ve got to figure out whether I’m going to retake the math placement test and if so, I really need to do it this week.  If not, then I need to get registered for Fall Session and make sure I’m taking the right classes.  In the meantime, I still have to study, I have 3 papers to write and I will be having Final Exams while family is here visiting.  Joy.

What I feel like doing is throwing the covers back over my head and going back to sleep.  My dream world is so much more pleasant than this world is right now.  Even during the times I’m not dreaming.  I’m just tired of feeling this way.  I had thought things were better and I had felt better several weeks ago.  Even losing my job didn’t upset me a whole lot.  Maybe a part of it was that while I was working, I felt needed, useful and that I contributed.  Now I don’t feel as needed or useful.  I know keeping the house is a form of being useful, but truthfully, I was never that good at it.  Hubby is much more handy around the house than I am. 

I have things I’d like to do or projects to work on, etc.  I just don’t have the motivation to do anything.  I don’t know what to do, but something has to give; something has to change.  I don’t want to feel this way anymore.  It’s even more frustrating because I was doing so well a few weeks ago and I had more confidence in myself.  Now I just feel like a frightened little girl on the inside.  I don’t like feeling that I’m not in control of things, especially my emotions.

I think I’ll end this entry here.  I really don’t have anything positive to add on this subject and I feel like I’m just whining about things.  Maybe a good deal of it is hormonal.  I was hoping to hear from a certain friend and I didn’t, so I think that is part of my whining and pity party.  I always feel better when I talk to this friend and I felt I needed that today, or hell, last week, even.  So I guess I’m still hoping to hear from them soon.

Meanwhile, I don’t feel like writing about this anymore.  I think I’ll post some pictures or something else next.  I just want to keep myself occupied and not think about the depressing things as much as possible, since there doesn’t seem to be much I can do about it right now.