I know I’ve been somewhat quiet lately.  I just haven’t felt like posting.  Also I haven’t been in the best of moods lately for a few reasons and I feel I post too many depressing entries. 

I’ve had a serious lack of motivation or desire to do anything at all except read and sleep.  School is doing fine.  I still have an A average in my classes.  I got permission to retake my math placement test because I was really sick the day I took it and I didn’t do well.  In fact, it was the day I had just come from the doctor’s office.  I haven’t retaken it yet, though.  I don’t want to until I study a bit more for it, but I have absolutely no motivation to study for it lately.  I’ve tried to push myself to do it and I haven’t been able to do it.  I look at the material for 5-10 minutes and at the first sign of discouragement, I’m on to something else.  I’ve had enough discouragement lately so I just am not able to handle any more right now. :(

I have a friend who might help me with studying for the test retake, but they have been too busy lately to even talk to me, much less help me with that.  Maybe they will be able to soon, but I have no idea at this point.  So I’m just discouraged about the whole thing and am contemplating not even retaking the test at all.  If I retake it without having studied enough for it and I don’t get the score I want, it will just discourage me even more.

My lack of motivation is affecting everything.  On my daily list of things to do, I’m lucky if I get a quarter of it done.  I just don’t have the get up and go or the energy right now.  I have many things on my mind and it’s making it so I can’t even really sit down and try to do something I enjoy.  Lately I feel guilty when I do that because I don’t feel I’ve accomplished enough of the things I SHOULD do.  *sigh*

I have all this unstructured time and I hate it.  I can’t really get my summer schedule finalized until I retake the placement test or just deal with the score I have.  Until I get my summer schedule finalized, I’m not sure how much money I’m looking at nor can I even really look for a job yet.  I’m supposed to register for fall session too, but again, I can’t do that until I know about the placement test and have my summer schedule finalized.  So anything I do feel like doing can’t be done because something else has to be done in front of it.

The last few days I’ve tried to throw myself into housework just to try to keep my mind off things.  I’m concerned about finances of course, since I don’t have a job anymore.  I went to pick up my prescriptions today and 3 of them were over $200 now that I don’t have insurance.  And those are the generics even.  I have several others that don’t have a generic equivalent yet.  Hubby could put me on his insurance but it’s really expensive.  I could continue mine through COBRA, but I’m looking at paying $250 a month just for that, so it didn’t seem worth it.  The only thing I was really using mine for was the savings on my prescriptions.  I’m sure this post is going to get tons of spam since I’m mentioning prescriptions.  I’ve been fighting comment spam lately as well.

I had some of my financial aid money from school and had hoped to use it to help pay for summer, but of course it didn’t work out that way.  I still haven’t received an unemployment check and hubby was out sick for several days so that made his last check smaller.  So I’ve been using the money to live on for now and paying the bills.  We had planned to use some of it to get the engine fixed in the Honda.  Now it’s pretty much gone.  My bills were higher last month as well, so that didn’t help.  Plus we had to get our house A/C fixed.  It’s getting too hot down here in Florida to not have A/C.  So that was another $100.  The one vehicle we have that runs needs brakes and needs work on the engine.  I have no idea how much I’m looking at for that. 

My in-laws will be here for a week at the end of April and first part of May.  Naturally there are a few things we’d like to get before they arrive.  My mother had planned to visit but wasn’t able to.  She is still thinking about it, but I don’t know when she might come.  I had hoped to get a little farther in some of my knitting before the in-laws arrive, but I haven’t even felt like doing much of that the last week.

Hubby got angry at me the other day because he saw that my financial aid money that he had planned to use to get the engine for the Honda is pretty much gone.  All I did was pay the bills that were due and get groceries yet he yelled at me like I had gone out and spent money frivolously.  I told him I just paid the bills and he told me they could’ve waited.  I know for a fact that the electric company will not wait, nor will the water bill or the insurance or the car payment.  I don’t know how he expected me to pay those bills.  I explained to him that his check was half what it normally was, plus I haven’t had a paycheck in 3 weeks.  So we haven’t had much money coming in, but we still have bills due.  I can’t really get a job until I know what my schedule is going to be because wherever I work will have to work around my school schedule, but they can’t very well know if they can work around my schedule if I don’t know it.  I haven’t gone out and bought myself anything in a long time because I know we don’t have as much coming in.  That’s been part of the reason I’ve felt really bummed out as well.  It’s nice to be able to have an incentive to get a difficult task done, but I can’t even reward myself because I can’t afford to spend money on anything extra right now.  Without motivation and without any incentive or possible reward, difficult tasks seem insurmountable and only add to my frustration and discouragement.

Another thing that’s bothered me is my mother and brother are fighting now.  She started it of course, because she did the same thing to him that she’s done to me countless times.  She’s put his wife down or said derogatory things about her.  My brother won’t stand for it even for a moment.  So the last conversation they had was not good at all.  My mother started asking me why he was treating her that way and what she could to make things better.  She didn’t want to hear what I thought, but it’s the truth and until she figures out that is what is alienating her children from her, then she’s never going to ‘get it’.  I told her that maybe she shouldn’t say anything bad about my brother’s wife to him when she talks to him.  She thinks he needs to know ‘the truth’, which is whatever her opinion of her is. 

Also the biggest reason they are having problems is because according to my mother, the absolute worst sin any woman can do is to live with a guy before marriage.  She’s extremely old fashioned in this regard.  She feels it’s demeaning to the woman.  I’ve tried to explain to her that times are different now and people think differently.  But she told me that “right and wrong aren’t any different”.  And if someone is doing the wrong thing, she feels she needs to tell them they are doing the wrong thing.  My mother once wouldn’t let one of my Dad’s coworkers in our house after she found out he was living with a woman and wasn’t married to her.  She said she can’t condone it at all.  I know she hurt the guy’s feelings and it caused a rift that never was mended.  Well, my niece has been living with her boyfriend of several years.  So naturally my mother has gone apeshit over it.  She can’t understand why my brother will allow his daughter to live with a man she’s not married to because she feels it is so wrong.  Both my brother and sister-in-law are aware that my niece lives with her boyfriend and they like him and have no problem with it.  My mother thinks it’s all my sister-in-law’s fault because she didn’t put a stop to it and my brother didn’t do anything either.  My niece is an adult.  She’s graduated from college several years ago and she works for a well known company.  I doubt there’s anything my sister-in-law could have actually done to prevent my niece from doing whatever she wanted.  My mother won’t talk to my niece anymore (not that it’s any great loss to her) nor would she allow her in her house (again, no big loss because my niece doesn’t really have anything to do with her).  My mother’s attitude towards my niece and my sister-in-law and her ways of being very outspoken about it is what has alienated my brother.  I tried to tell her as nicely as I could that perhaps she should not be so outspoken about these things.  I don’t think she’s ever going to change.  It makes me really sad.  This is how my family acts towards each other.

I’m also not very happy because I found out that someone was spreading lies about me.  I’m not going to discuss it here right now, but it not only hurts, but it pisses me off royally.   I also don’t like it when people pass judgment on me without even trying to get to know me first.  It’s one thing if you keep it to yourself, but to pass judgment and then go and spread some lies is just not a very nice thing to do.  I don’t do that to people so I don’t understand why anyone would do it to me.  Especially someone who as far as I know, I’ve never done anything hurtful or spiteful to them.  I just don’t get it.   :noshake:  Anyhow, it’s a personal matter so that’s all I’m going to say about that.

I guess this ended up being a depressing entry anyhow, but I did feel the need to write about these things and I know some people were wondering if I was still alive.  Speaking of that, I came close today to being hit on the motorcycle.  Some jerkwad stops in the middle of the street, no blinker or anything.  I sit there for a second and then decide to go on around them.  At that exact moment they decided to turn left.  Again they didn’t have a blinker on.  I had to swerve to avoid the front bumper of their car hitting my leg.   That’s how close they came to hitting me.  Frickin’ assholes.  :asshole:  I think most cars come equipped with blinkers.  Now if we can just get some of these braindead asshoses to use them.  What else do they expect someone behind them to do when they just stop dead in the middle of the street without a blinker?  Just sit there behind them and try to figure out what they are going to do by osmosis?   :finger:  Of course it was a couple of old people.  If I get killed on the motorcycle, I can almost bet it will be because of an old person. :crush:

Well, enough ranting and raving for now.  Hubby’s broke down somewhere with his friend and is going to have to wait 2 hours for a tow truck.  He’s hot, tired and majorly pissed off.  Joy.  Oh, and Aunt Flo came to visit and my stomach is cramping something awful.  It hurts so bad that I haven’t been able to eat anything so far today.  This day just keeps getting better, doesn’t it?

Please send good, positive, encouraging and motivating wishes my way.  I can certainly use them. :yinyang:

And now I think I’m going to have a few of these: :beer: :beer: