I thought someone told me that February would be better than January.  So far it isn’t shaping up that way.  I’ve got way too many demands on me right now.  I’m overwhelmed, tired, grumpy.  I feel like quitting everything right now and going away where no one will know where I am.

I know I’m not very good at time management.  I tend to need some structure to my life, but it has to be the type of structure I want, or I’ll just fight it.  If it’s someone trying to ‘mean well’ and give me some structure by pointing out all my shortcomings, or what I didn’t finish or get done, then I wish they would catch a fucking clue.  I need structure, but I also need support, guidance and understanding.  Structure does not mean bitching, complaining and pointing out everything I do wrong or what I don’t get done.

I’m going to clue you all in on something regarding people with ADD.  If we aren’t getting any positive reinforcement of some sort, some sort of feeling of a job well done, a feeling of being useful, needed, wanted, our efforts at least acknowledged or encouraged, then it’s very unlikely we will see much point in trying any harder or busting our ass.  It’s just like what they said in Office Space about working just hard enough to keep your job, but that’s it.  With any incentive or possibility of incentive or reward, then we will do as much as what’s needed for people to quit their bitching, but no more.  And we certainly won’t be doing things because we want to.  We’ll be doing them to cut down on people complaining or pointing out our shortcomings.  We tend to be a praise deficient group.  It’s probably because we’ve had to listen to years and years and years of people constantly pointing out our shortcomings.  We’ve heard very little praise because most anything we did do that was acceptable was glossed over.  “You did a great job with this, BUT…”  It was always the “but” that we dreaded to hear. 

Therefore I am grumpy as hell.  Nothing I have wanted to happen lately has happened.  Nothing much has worked out in my favor at all.  I got the third degree all weekend about needing to study and after going to bed at 2 a.m. Monday morning, I was awakened at about 3:30 because someone was so extremely pissed off that I woke them up, so they ranted and raved for several hours and made sure I had to stay up.  It didn’t matter that I have 2 tests and 2 papers due this week.  Evidently I must be the only one that gives a shit.  Then this person had to stay pissed off at me all day and not even let me know if they got to their location in one piece or not.  So now I’ve had to deal with someone who insists on still being pissed at me for accidentally waking them up, and I’ve got a test and paper due tomorrow.  That’s a whole other story as well.  It was just another of many recent happenings that are reminding me why I should not rely, depend on or trust anyone at all.  People tend to leave me hanging.  Now I have to basically pull something out of my ass because my interview fell through and my paper is due in about 12 hours.  Thankfully, the rest of my papers do not require me to depend on or rely on another human being, which is probably a good thing.  I’m beginning to believe that most people don’t really care, even the ones that are closest to me.  I’m just very disgruntled at the whole human race right now.

I’ll be lucky if I make it to work.  At this moment, I highly doubt I’ll go.  I just can’t do it all and since I’ve got to become a major bullshit artist or find someone else on short notice to interview for my paper, something has to give.  I only have $6 to my name until Wednesday anyhow and my vehicle is out of gas.  I drive 50 miles a day going back and forth to work and I highly doubt $6 is going to put enough gas in the SUV to make it to work and back. 

If it’s not freezing or rainy, I can ride the bike, but I try not to ride when I’m in this foul of a mood.  Some asshose the other day thinks he’s going to come over in my lane while I’m riding the bike.  Luckily he didn’t swerve over into my lane, but instead was coming over slowly.  It was some old person of course.  I hit the horn and they still kept on coming into my lane.  So I hauled off and gave his driver’s side door a nice kick with my foot.  By the way, you can throw yourself off balance doing that if you’re not careful.  In this case it woke him up somewhat and he swerved back into his own lane.  He gave me some apologetic look and I figure he never actually ’saw’ me even though he did look in my direction.  It’s okay, though.  I gave him a bit of a wry smile and then I wondered if he would even notice the dent I put in his door with my foot.  Eh, probably not.  Serves him right, though.  People need to look before they just decide to switch lanes.  I don’t ride there because I like to.  It’s generally because some asshole in front of me won’t go the fuck on and some other asshole is so far up my ass that I can’t hardly see his bumper in my rearview mirrors.  Mr. Old Man thought he would just squeeze in between them so he wouldn’t get stuck behind a truck going slow that was in his lane.  Instead Mr. Old Man gets the crap scared out of him and a dent in his door. 

Oh, yeah, and I’ll be turning 40 beginning of next month and already I’ve had it with people planning to throw me a party with a bunch of black ‘Lordy, Lordy, she’s 40′ balloons.  I don’t think I’m in the right frame of mind for that sort of humor right now.  So if I just disappear for my birthday, you’ll know why.

I did get an A on my Spanish quiz.  That’s about the only good and/or positive news I have to report right now.  Everything else is pretty much sucking ass.  Hubby and I are fighting about a lot of things…lack of sex, lack of time, lack of sleep, etc.  Spring Break/Bike Week is coming up and I’m too exhausted to care.  I wanted to go somwhere and get out of town, but probably won’t have enough money.  My mom is flying down on St. Patrick’s day for the weekend.  She wanted to come sooner, but I nixed that idea.  So I’ve got to deal with that. 

I’ve had 3 or 4 people lately tell me they would do something for me only to find out they didn’t or never intended to.  My boss is on vacation this week, so naturally I have to handle whatever ‘problems’ may arise and naturally some problems did.  Since I’ve had some people not follow through, and some leave me scrambling to get things done, I’m looking into the possibility of hiring an ADD coach to help provide some structure in a non angry way.  It’s not cheap, though.  If anyone can recommend a good coach, that isn’t going to cost me an arm or a leg, please let know…

I say “Good Day”.